Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 42: Hysterical Historical Revisionism

Alien aficionados want to see aliens at work everywhere. A bright light streaked across the sky…must be aliens. Some weird vaguely human form was lurking outside my single wide trailer at three in the morning…must be aliens. I woke up after a long night of drinking and drugging and my ass hurts…must be aliens. My daughter got carved up and my cow is pregnant…aliens. Some Ufologists try to take this obsession one step further, by claiming aliens have appeared to ancient man and interfered his business. I have to resist the urge to mention Erich Von Daniken yet again because I’ve already taken a big steaming dump on his historical revisionism and I don’t want to repeat myself. He is just the most well known example of this behavior. My brother mentioned a famous well documented Roman battle between generals Mithradates and Marius Sertorius. Before the battle was joined , a big flame colored molten object shaped vaguely like a Roman wine jar dropped out of the sky and crashed into the middle of the battlefield between the two opposing sides. This fact is not in dispute. It was witnessed by thousands of people and the incident was recorded by Roman scribes, who were on the scene at the time. Some Ufolgists believe that the object that fell to earth was in fact of alien origin. The Romans who were there didn’t mention any aliens climbing out of the fallen object. The object did not explode, so it certainly wasn’t an alien weapon. How did these UFO conspiracy theorists arrive at the conclusion that this was some sort of alien encounter? It came from the sky in a ball of flame…must be alien. It arrived at an inauspicious time and landed between two advancing armies…it must be planned by aliens. Now anybody that’s seen a decent sized meteor fall to earth knows that the events recorded by the Romans fit’s the description of a meteor falling to earth. When I was going for my undergraduate degree at Frostburg State University in Western Maryland the trajectory of a falling meteor flew right over my townhouse, when I was out on my porch sucking down some brews with a few friends. The description of the Roman meteor sounds exactly like what I saw. I wasn’t that drunk yet, so I know I wasn’t just seeing things. It later crashed into the “wild and wonderful” State of West Virginia (the UFO sighting capital of the free world), where several dozen hillbillies reported seeing a UFO flying over head. Apparently they had a few more drinks than I did. There is the completely rational explanation for the event and then there is the UFO conspiracy theory. Which one sounds more credible to you? Yes the Roman battle meteor fell right as the two armies were facing each other. Did anybody just stop to consider for a second that this was simply a freak coincidence? Coincidences like that do happen from time to time. Ufolgists with one track minds don’t see it that way. It had to be aliens! Could it have been aliens or an object associated with visiting aliens? Anything is possible but since a rational explanation for the series of events exists, why fixate on the highly unlikely prospect of alien interference? That’s a little bit on the OCD side don’t you think? Pigs might fly out of my ass as well but that’s a fairly remote possibility.

The Bible makes reference to “great wheels in the sky” and that has been taken out of context by Ufologists for generations. Ezekiel 1:1-21 “On the fifth day of the fourth month of the thirteenth year I Ezekiel the priest son of Buzi was living with the Jewish exiles by the Chebar River in Babylonia, The sky opened and I saw a vision of God. There in Babylonia beside the Chebar River, I heard the Lord speak and I felt his power. I looked up and saw a windstorm coming from the north. Lightening was flashing from a huge cloud and the sky around it was glowing. Where the lightening was flashing something shone like bronze. At the center of the storm I saw what looked like four living creatures in human form but each of them had four faces and four wings. Their legs were straight and they had hooves like those of a bull. They all shone like polished bronze. In addition to their four faces and four wings, they each had four human hands, one under each wing. Two wings of each creature were spread out to form a square with their wing tips touching. When they moved they moved as a group without turning their bodies. Each creature had four different faces: a human face, a bull’s face, a lion’s face and an eagle’s face. Among the creatures there was something that looked like a blazing torch that was constantly moving. The fire would blaze up and shoot flashes of lightening. The creatures themselves darted back an forth with the speed of lightening. As I looked at the four creatures I saw four wheels touching the ground, one beside each of them. All four wheels were alike; each one shone like a precious stone and each had another wheel intersecting them at right angles, so that the wheels could move in any of the four directions. The rims of the wheels were covered with eyes.. Whenever the creatures moved the wheels moved with them and if the creatures rose up from the earth the wheels rose with them. The creature went wherever they wished and the wheels did exactly what the creatures did because the creatures controlled them, So every time the creatures moved or stopped the in the air, the wheels did exactly the same.” Ok granted this is a weird fucking story even by biblical standards. However, I have a serious problem associating this with alien visitation and presenting this as proof positive of ancient aliens. The first thing we should note is that the Bible itself is unproven. All stories in it are allegorical. For the less educated among you, that means nobody who wrote down these stories was actually there to witness the events that purportedly took place. We have no evidence that anything in the Bible is true. That means when a UFO conspiracy theorist claims this is proof of aliens stopping by to say hi, what they are really doing is using a story of questionable unsubstantiated origin in a book of fairy tales to prove an unproven conspiracy theory about alien visitors is true. That is a logical fallacy to the nth degree. You can’t get more convoluted than this string of suppositions. I’m thinking this story would not hold up in court and only a complete idiot would blindly accept this as fact, minus evidence of which there is absolutely none. This story was used in a science fiction movie “Knowing” and that is about the extent of it’s legitimacy. Did this story actually occur? Who knows but it sounds more than a little bit far fetched. The story isn’t even an original ancient Jewish story. It comes from Babylonian mythology and who knows where and from whom it came before that? We can file it in the myth pile along with 99% of Ufologist suppositions. It’s a cool story because it is so odd but that doesn’t make it a valid story just an interesting one. S~ᴇaʀᴄh the ꜰindNʘvel.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

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