Since our meeting Dimitri has been on high alert, he’s arranged for the pack to have 24-hour surveillance. All the Epsilon are on high alert, ready for the imminent attack as well as preparing the kappa to be safe once it begins.
He’s barely even looked at me since my revelation. If this is his reaction to hearing the truth imagine what it would be like if he ever sees it.
For the last couple days, we haven’t slept in the same bed together. Whether it’s because Dimitri is too busy or just so disgusted by me, I’m not entirely sure. I’m not even sure if I want to know the answer. It’s so peculiar that in the short span of two months I have transformed from a selfish, emotionless bitch into someone who feels deeply for those surrounding me, even if I do have a hard time showing it.
I don’t know if Dimitri has slept at all since we last spoke- two whole days ago. I worry for him, but I’m admittedly more worried about what he thinks about me. Whenever I try to reach him through the bond all I feel is anger.
I wait in our room, as I have for the last two nights, staring at the door. My hope is that Dimitri would eventually show up, though I’m beginning to suspect he wouldn’t show... He didn’t before.
I wait up as long as I possibly can before my eyelids begin to droop and I’m fighting to keep myself awake. A foreign pit takes root in my stomach- the feeling of growing disappointment that intensifies when I realise that yet again he isn’t going to show up.
The disappointment turns to anger, and I hold on to the familiar burn of rage like fire in my veins. I don’t really know who it’s directed at- Dimitri or myself- but it’s sure as hell better than feeling the bitter emptiness of rejection.
The sudden bout of emotion stirs up a rush of adrenaline within me, so I’m wide awake, and I can’t sit still; my fingers twitching, my gums itching. I need to let off some steam.
Before I know it, I’m throwing things. screaming. Claws and fangs out and ready to rip the obstacles around me to shreds, and anything to release the frustration. The duvet on the bed is in shreds within moments, clothes from drawers strewn about the place, the mirror on the vanity shattered. I stand in the middle of the chaos, looking at all that I’ve done.
I am a fire that consumes and destroys everything in its path. The room is a physical representation of all that I am capable of. Destruction.
I am a destroyer and nothing more.
I crumble wordlessly to my knees weeping. Is it any wonder that Dimitri doesn’t want me? Why does that make me sad? It’s pathetic. I should have known that this would happen, it was beaten into me every day of my existence in Shadow Fang so why hadn’t I believed what was there in front of my face?
I already know the answers to all of my questions- the answer to why I’m hurting. It’s because I have come to trust Dimitri; I made myself vulnerable to him, showed him my scars and flaws and hoped that they wouldn’t drive him away.
I’ve learnt so much from him because of him, and I want to keep on learning with him. He has given me hope that even someone forsaken like me could have a mate, could fall in love and have a future. I want that. I want him.
Is it really so bad that I want him to want me too?
Maybe if I wasn’t an abomination, he would.
I glance through my tears at my bloody palms. At the hands of a killer. Of a destroyer.
It’s just a flicker of a thought of a thought in my mind, but I know that I would do anything- absolutely anything- if it means that I could get a fraction of a chance with Dimitri. I couldn’t think, all I can do is feel. All the pain and desperation. I want it to stop, I want it all to go away.
“Please, take this away!” I call out into the empty room. “Please Selene!”
Is this what desperation has brought me to? Calling out to a fictional deity?
Exhaustion starts to take over as the adrenaline fades away; my limbs are heavy, my eyes hooded and a sense of weariness pulls at my consciousness. I feel like my very life is being sucked out of me, like I’ve been literally drained.
Am I getting what I asked for?
I curl up on the hardwood floor, amidst all the mess and pass out.
When my eyes open, I’m not sure where I am. Below my feet is a floor of pure glass, it’s polished enough that I can see my reflection. Pale skin, purple eyes and cropped black hair stares back at me. Maybe it’s a mirror, I’m too sure. All around me is a sheet of pastel blue with patches of white that resembles the sky.
It can’t be a memory I conclude, because they have all been consuming and terrifying, besides I have never been to any such place in my waking life; I have to be dreaming.
“Hello?” I call out. “Is anyone there?”
Just faintly in the distance I see the faint outline of a person that seems to be slowly getting closer. It’s a woman, materializing from the white vapor of the clouds.
She is shorter than me by a couple inches, perhaps five feet, with a slender figure. Her skin a healthy bronze, complimented by her earth coloured hair that billows to her breasts. She wears a white dress with a plummeting neckline that clinches at the waist before flowing to the ground, the sleeves long and flowing but not hiding an inch of her tanned arms.
“Who are you?” I ask suspiciously as I take in her practically ethereal form.
“I have many names, but you can call me Zoe.” She speaks, her voice is like wind-chimes swaying in the breeze. Or if twinkling stars had a sound this is what they would sound like. Or the feeling I get whenever Dimitri smiles at me, almost like floating. It’s fucking magical. “The Werewolves typically know me as the Moon Goddess.”
I still don’t know where I am or if I believe her, but right now I don’t give a shit. She could’ve been the fucking queen and I knew I still wouldn’t give a fuck because all I could think about is the look that Dimitri would have on his face whenever he sees me.
I could already half picture it, the horror and disgust as he realises what he has been ‘fated’ with. He has seen me for what I really am. All that consumes me is this deep dread filling up my stomach. He will resent me for being what I am even though I would change it in a heartbeat if it meant that he could love me. He would resent the Moon Goddess for giving him an abomination to deal with- a monster. Because who could ever love a beast right?
The realization is enough to send me to my knees. Yet again life has so cruelly snatched away a beautiful opportunity before I have the opportunity to really hold on to it.
He could hate me. The thought terrifies the shit out of me.
“Then you can take it away.” I’m pleading, on my knees in front of this lady.
“I truly am sorry, for all the suffering you have endured and the burden that has been placed upon you, but I cannot take this gift from you. If you are to succeed in your journey, you will need it to face the perils that lie ahead.”
“You call this a fucking gift?” I spit viciously. Nobody can help me or understand me, not even the deity that is supposed to be omniscient. “All this has brought is pain.”
“You are capable of much more than just the destruction that you think of. I’ve known you, all of you since the beginning of time. You are fierce and loyal, a true mighty leader- you have been destined for this path. You have the power to change this world for the betterment of all those within it, if you succeed you will be a hero. Do not be afraid, as you have been made for your path Dimitri has been made for his, your paths lie together, though I cannot promise it will end happily- sacrifice is the price of all heroes.”
“What if I don’t want to be a hero?”
“Then all will be enslaved to the ones that wish to ensue chaos in this world.”
There is a moment of silence between us. I have a feeling that we both know what I’m thinking. Am I really that selfish to let the world end? All because of my fear?
“I’m sorry for not believing in you.”
“I can neither reward you, nor punish you for your lack of faith. When it comes down to it, all mortals are judged not only on their faith but on their morality, goodness and ability to hold true to both.”
“I guess there’s a special place in hell for bastards like me then.” I smirk, although a melancholy feeling overtakes me; a sort of bitterness that makes me realise that I don’t want to go to hell, but I don’t deserve any saving grace either.
“You are good of heart; you proved that when you began writing your own destiny. Your past is tainted but you still have your future to write. Everything has a reason, Arashi. I hope one day you will see that.” She pauses for a moment, her brow frowning slightly as though in thought. “Although I guess it’s not easy to listen to someone you have no faith in, so maybe you should listen to someone you do believe...”
She gestures towards a door that begins to materialize from nothingness, I look to her in silent question, but she gives no response beyond a small smile. I walk towards the door, and cross the threshold with a mild caution. I’m engulfed with a bright light, I have to shield my eyes from its pure harshness.
Beyond the door is a field, familiar and warm, filled with daisies and tulips as far as the eye could see. There is a lone figure gazing out of the field, almost though sensing my presence the mystery person turns to me. Tears leak from my eyes as I gaze at my mother, she looks the same as she had when I was 8. I wonder whether it’s death that preserved her, my memories, or because at the, would be, age of 45 she is still extremely young for a Werewolf.
“Mother.”
“My strong fighter.” She embraces me and I have to remind myself that it isn’t real, though the warmth that radiates off her convinces me otherwise. “Look at you so strong and beautiful, I always knew you were made to do magnificent things.”
“I can’t mummy...” I sob “I’m afraid, and I’m tired. I want to stay with you.”
“Your father and I have longed to see you again, but it is not your time. It’s okay to be afraid sweetheart, it’s okay to be tired because things aren’t always going to be easy. There will be times where you want to give up, where you will question yourself and your journey, but you will stay strong and you will continue to fight because you are a force to be reckoned with. There is a reason we named you Arashi, because like a storm you will wreak havoc.”
I open my mouth to protest but I can hardly say a word as I continue to sob. We sit for a while longer as she continues to console me. The part of me that I thought had left behind comes rushing to the surface, though this time it doesn’t haunt me. The little girl that has lingered within me for so long, the one that craves the company of her mother, she is finally subdued.
“You have lingered here long enough, go. And do not be afraid my dear, love is much stronger than you think.” She caresses my face gently before kissing my forehead and I know she’s saying goodbye.
“No, don’t leave me!” The tears start afresh as I try to hold on to my mother just a fraction longer. “Please!”
“I love you, Arashi. You are a beautiful young woman, I’m so proud of you.”
“Mummy wait!”
But she is already gone. Faded like a mirage and a mere voice on the breeze. I stand in the field, once warm now cold as it begins to fade to darkness.
I feel a stage sensation, like falling only I’m not able to panic. It feels like I’m falling forever, with no end in sight just a dark blank empty nothingness. There are faint sounds in the distance although they sound like they’re underwater. There is a voice calling out, but I can’t understand the words they are saying, then another voice over all the others.
‘Wake up Arashi.’ I know it’s Zoe, but I can’t see her anywhere. ‘Dimitri needs you.’
Then I hit the bottom. There is a loud boom, like a clap of thunder and a sudden feeling of tightness across my chest and arms.
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