In The Name of Love
43: Conflicted

Minna opens the door to her antechamber as slowly and quietly as she can, holding her breath and hoping that Fifi isn’t inside. To her relief, the room is empty, and the only sounds she hears are birds chirping outside and her own light footfalls on the floor as she goes inside, closing the door the same way she opened it. Her shoulders slump and she drops into the nearest chair, clutching her head with both hands. Her fingers brush her tiara and then clench in a fist by her temple as she resists the urge to tear it off and throw it across the room. Never before in her life has she resented the circumstances of her birth, but after the meeting she’s just had with her parents and the Syazonian ambassador, she would give anything to be something other than a princess.

At least things with Syazonia are going well, she tries to console herself. She’s secured permission for Greta to come with her and be part of her household there, and her work with the Royal Orchestra has met with universal approval. And I’ll be going there soon, away from the rest of this. But poor Fifi…. How can I possibly do what Father has asked of me?

As if cued by Minna’s thoughts, Fifi comes into the antechamber from their study, sketchbook under one arm. Please don’t notice me. I’m not ready, Minna prays, closing her eyes and wishing she could disappear. Fifi’s footsteps are quick and purposeful, but then they stop short.

“What’s the matter?” Fifi asks, coming next to her sister’s chair.

Minna draws in a long, shaky breath before opening her eyes to meet Fifi’s concerned brown ones. There are a million things she wants to say, but she just looks at her sister for a few moments and then shakes her head.

“You had a meeting with Father, right?” Fifi prompts. sᴇaʀᴄh thᴇ ꜰindNʘvel.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

Minna nods once. “Please, Fifi—”

“I was on my way out to one of the courtyards. Do you want to come with me? The fresh air might be nice. You’ve been spending so much time cooped up in meetings and dress fittings….”

Minna considers the idea as her sister’s voice trails off. A change of scenery would be nice. And maybe I’ll feel safer out there, be able to find the right words… she thinks.

“I think I’d like that.”

Fifi smiles. “Good! I think so, too. Here, let me fix your hair.” She does, and then the two of them walk together through the corridors of Adelhyod. Fifi chatters the whole time about Algot and how she’s taught him to bring her shiny things from his stash on command, in addition to shaking hands and speaking. Minna thanks Chuezoh that Fifi has found a way for them to seem normal to any servants or other passersby without her putting forth much effort. Only once they’ve made it outside into a courtyard does Fifi’s demeanor turn serious again.

“You don’t have to tell me anything about what’s bothering you,” she tells Minna, “but I’m here if you need me. I’m just going to sit by that pond and see if I can get any better at drawing fish.” She walks down the cobbled path to a stone bench opposite the door they’ve come through while Minna stays put, indecisive. She tips her head up to enjoy the warm summer sun and the breeze in her hair. Around her, the vegetation is gloriously green and studded with flowers. No wonder she wanted to come out here, Minna realizes as she drifts after Fifi. She used to come out with Fifi more often, before her Quest for Favor turned their world upside-down.

“I forgot how nice this courtyard is,” she remarks as she settles next to Fifi on the bench. “Good choice.”

“It’s one of my favorites,” Fifi replies. Her gaze is fixed on the water of the pond next to the bench, and the tip of her tongue pokes out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrates on drawing the curve of a fish’s side on a page of her sketchbook.

“Will you be offended if I take Greta to Syazonia and she stays there with me?” Minna asks after a few moments with neither of them speaking.

“Not at all. You should have friends there with you, and I’m sure Mother and Father won’t let me stay after your wedding.”

“You’re right about that. Neither one of them is coming, and neither is Emrik. But they’re sending special guards for you, to keep you out of trouble and accompany you home with the Royal Orchestra.”

Fifi snorts in contempt. “Are they afraid I’ll run away with Emiliano or something?”

Minna laughs, but there’s no joy in it. “Not exactly. Although Adalberto told me he thinks Emiliano is interested in you, Father said in no uncertain terms that I should discourage that idea in every possible way. He has…other plans for you.”

“I know.” The darkness in Fifi’s voice chills Minna.

“Has he spoken to you?”

“No, but Mother has, and I got a letter….”

Minna’s insides twist and churn. She feels like she might be sick. She closes her eyes and takes some deep breaths. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. He shouldn’t be able to do this to us, she finds herself thinking, even though she immediately feels guilty for it. That’s the way Fifi will think of it, certainly. He’s just trying to act in the best interests of Aethyrozia, though, and that changes based on what he knows…. Despite her best efforts, a tear escapes one of her eyes and slides down her cheek.

“You don’t have to pretend, out here,” Fifi assures Minna, her voice low. “It’s safe to feel however you feel.”

A cry of frustration tears from Minna’s throat, and then she drops her face into her hands as her shoulders shake with suppressed sobs. Fifi’s arms wrap around her, offering comfort she isn’t sure she wants to accept. It’s not her fault. I know it’s not her fault. But the fact that he wants to match her with him, when he knows I liked him so much, when I even asked…. Minna’s tears fall faster and harder; she hates herself for even having these thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Minna,” Fifi whispers near her ear. “It isn’t fair, and it isn’t right, and he shouldn’t be asking this of either of us.”

“But he is. And he’s the king,” Minna chokes out.

“That doesn’t give him a right to disregard our feelings and treat us like pieces on a game board.”

“Doesn’t it, though?”

“Only if you let him,” Fifi says after a few moments.

Minna looks up at Fifi in surprise, wiping tears off her face with her sleeves. “I thought you said I’d made the right choice, with Adalberto.”

“I do. I think you did what was right for you, especially after…someone else made their choice that night.”

“The letter you got….”

Fifi’s jaw tightens. “It came while I was posing for Peder again. I hope he’s almost done with that portrait for you.”

“But the letter was from Didier?”

“…Yes.”

Minna sighs. So it has begun. She dares not venture a guess whether Fifi or their father will turn out to be more stubborn in this matter, nor how genuine and persistent Didier might be in his affections.

“He apologized for what he did to you,” Fifi says after a few moments. “For whatever that’s worth.”

“Do you believe him?”

“No. I think it’s all part of whatever political game we’re playing.”

“If it was just about politics, he would have stayed in my Quest for Favor until the end.” In spite of her best effort, Minna’s voice is bitter as she says it. “He likes you, Fifi.”

“That’s his problem. Just because he likes me doesn’t mean I have to like him back.”

“But you’re going to write back to him?” The words are heavy and foul-tasting on Minna’s tongue as she says them. I promised I’d try, she tells herself, no matter how much it pains me.

“Mother says I have to, and that I have to be nice about it. So I’ll write him, but I won’t change my mind.”

“You should at least give him a chance.”

“Father put you up to saying that.”

“He asked me to, yes, but it’s also…my genuine advice.” Minna swallows hard. “You liked him, too, in my Quest for Favor, didn’t you?”

“As a match for you. I never gave him a thought as a match for me, and now—”

“I know it’s hard. But we can’t go backwards, Fifi. I’ve made my choice, and like it or not…. Father always gets his way. Get to know Didier now, so that you won’t be completely miserable later.”

Fifi pulls away from Minna and picks up her sketchbook again. Minna doesn’t like the look in her sister’s eyes; something in her has turned hard and fierce and bitter as she contemplates the future their father has prescribed for her.

“We’ll see what happens,” Fifi replies as she starts sketching again. Her words hang ominously in the air. Minna shivers, although the weather is warm and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” she tells her sister softly. Fifi just smiles, brilliant and forced, and says nothing. Minna is anything but reassured. I’ll have to try to keep a closer eye on her, while I still can, she resolves, turning her face to the sky once more.

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