I open my mouth to answer, but then realize Jera doesn’t have a dog, and if I tell him the truth, it will be weird that he hasn’t seen Squint until now. “A while ago,” I say, vaguely.
“You seem to use Squint as a way to cope,” he says softly.
I swallow, not realizing I was so transparent. I know I use Squint as a way to get through my anxiety, but I didn’t realize how much I need him until I didn’t have him tonight. I sort of fell apart at the gala. Would Squint have totally stopped my anxiety? Probably not, but he would have helped. Dustin traces more shapes on my arm as he waits for my answer.
“I do,” I finally say.
“How long have you struggled with anxiety when you’re in crowds?”
I press my lips together. This is not a question for Jera, and I can’t answer it as her. This is strictly a Mackenzie question. And I shouldn’t answer it truthfully. I should just lie and say it’s a recent thing and I’m getting therapy for it, and it might go away soon. I should…but I don’t. “Since I was young,” I hear myself say.
“How did you get past that to have a successful career?”
I search for a good lie that can get me out of this conversation. “I can usually hide it much better. Things are a bit more stressful right now.”
“Have you tried any medication?”
I tense. I’ve never seen anyone for my anxiety. I’ve always been able to handle it by staying home and making excuses as to why I can’t be somewhere. And having Squint has helped. “No,” I admit.
“You know, there’s no shame in seeking help for something like that.”
I nod. I know this. I’ve just never thought of my anxiety as debilitating before. But tonight was horrible. I never want to go through that again. Luckily, I’m not Jera and I don’t have to regularly go to things like that. All that’s left for me is a photo shoot, and I can’t imagine a massive crowd of people at one of those.
As I try to think of a response, I realize just how much I let my anxiety control my life. I hadn’t seen it before, and it scares me. Honestly, it scares me too much to think about right now. I pack it away in a neat little box in the back of my brain.
“I know a really good therapist. I could get you his number.”
Yeah, right. I’m sure his therapist lives in L.A. and costs a billion dollars a visit. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
I realize that I didn’t look fine tonight. I had a complete meltdown. But Jera will be back in less than a week, and to him it will look like my anxiety is all gone. “I was just having a rough night. Usually I can handle things much better.”
“If you change your mind, I can give you his number. He’s helped me through quite a bit, and he can prescribe medication if that’s needed.”
I look at him. “What did you need help with?” I blurt out before it hits me that’s a very personal question, and I have no business asking. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer. That was rude of me.”
“No, I don’t mind.” He shifts so I can see him better. His gaze is so open. Trusting. “I struggled with depression for years. My medication has helped quite a bit, but learning some coping skills from my therapist has been a lifesaver.”
“I can’t believe you struggled like that. I would have never known.”
“Nor I of you. I’ve seen you at functions. Granted, usually from afar, but still. You’ve done a great job hiding this.”
Guilt rises in me for bringing my problems down on my sister. “It isn’t usually this bad. I’m sure I’ll be fine soon.”
“I was impressed with you tonight.”
I bark out a laugh. “I was a mess.”
“No, you held it together really well. It wasn’t until that jerk—” He stops short and cringes. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. He is a jerk.” I get mad all over again thinking about how he treated me. How he might have been treating Jera this whole time.
Dustin’s jaw clenches. “I really wanted to punch the guy.”
“Me too.”
“If he bothers you again, you can call me. I’ll come.”
His sincerity washes over me, and I sit for a moment, stunned. He really would come if I needed him. I’ve had boyfriends before, but I haven’t had anyone like Dustin, and he’s not even my boyfriend. He’s willing to come help me in any situation. The power of his words make me a little emotional.
But then I remember. “I can’t. My phone isn’t working.” I flash him a cheesy grin.
“When you come for salad tomorrow, we can check on it. If it won’t power up, I can take you to the phone store.”
Jera didn’t say I could use her credit card for a new phone, but I’m in a bad situation. I pretty much have no other choice. “Thank you.”
I glance at the clock and see it’s after one o’clock in the morning. “I’m sorry I stayed so late.” I shift, and Squint jumps off my lap. Even though I don’t want to, I stand up. It’s time for me to leave.
“I was enjoying the time with you.” Dustin stands and turns to me. “Jera, I mean it when I say I’ll come if you need me. If Luke shows up and you’re frightened, scream. I’ll hear you.”
“I will.” I gaze into his brilliant blue eyes. There’s a softness there that takes me aback.
Dustin acts like he wants to say something, but no words surface. He just stares at me with a look I can’t quite decipher.
“I guess I’d better go now.”
“I’ll walk you home.”
I laugh. “You don’t have to do that. I live next door.”
“I want to make sure you get home safe.” His words imply so much more.
I hadn’t thought about the possibility of Luke hanging around outside my sister’s house. I decide having Dustin take me home isn’t a terrible idea.
“All right.”
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