As we’re walking through the church doors, Phillip grabs my hand and says, “Be nice.”

I roll my eyes at him. “If he can’t tell us anything that will make us be a better couple, why should I take it seriously?”

He stops and pulls me toward him. “Because it’s our marriage, our life. I would hope you’d wanna take that seriously.”

“Fine, I’ll try to be good.”

We sit in the stupid blue-checkered chairs and watch Pastor John rub on his beard for a while.

I’m thinking ahead to another fun Taco Tuesday when he says, “Another big issue in marriage is how much time you spend together.”

Well, heck. I’ve got this one. We don’t even need to discuss this.

We’ve got this aced.

“Phillip and I spend tons of time together. We’re together all the time, so we’re good.”

Phillip gives me a little glare.

The pastor sighs. “It’s great you spend time together, but are you spending enough time apart? Everyone needs a little space.”

I swear to God—yes, God, you up there? Are you listening to this?

I can’t say anything right!

I say we spend lots of time together, and he says it’s wrong. If I had said we hated each other and never wanted to be together, he would’ve been proud.

This is so stupid.

Plus, I can hear the margaritas calling my name.

Well, not really, but I just got a text from Neil that said, The margaritas are calling your name. So, like, I know they are.

Phillip says, “We do spend time apart. And I can see how that will become even more important since we’ve started working together.”

I turn and look at him. Is that really my Phillip? Did he just say he needs time away from me?

“You want time away from me?” I ask, trying not to sound as crushed as I feel.

“No, I just … like, how you take baths or go shopping. Like, we don’t do everything together, even now.”

Pastor John says, “Exactly. For a marriage to be strong, you have to maintain your own self-worth and confidence. You should feel comfortable with letting Phillip have hobbies of his own. Occasionally, he should be able to see his friends without you. Just like it’s important for you to do the same.”

Speaking of friends, ours are at the bar, waiting for us. We should probably get going.

Pastor John continues. “If you’re together all the time, it can become suffocating.”

I say with just a tad of sarcasm in my voice, “So, first, our marriage is going to fester and get infected, and then we’re going to suffocate each other. Gee, marriage sounds like great fun.”

He ignores me. He has us do some lame flash-card game where we’re given examples of conflicts, and we have to work it out with our words. Phillip and I do awesome on this exercise.

Probably because the things we were supposed to be fighting about were unrealistic. Like, I can’t imagine us ever fighting over things like rules for our kids or sex or friendships, but I talk them out with Phillip, like the perfect little bride.

As we’re walking to the car, Phillip smiles sweetly at me. “You did a good job at role-playing. It’s good to know we can work out conflict. You definitely deserve margaritas tonight.”

I don’t have the heart to tell him that I was totally faking everything.

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