The Bastard Queen (Viciously Yours #2)
Chapter Fifty-Six: The Fuzzies

Cillian waited a total of five minutes after he brought me a nice steamy bowl of oatmeal and fruits before laying into me. He was currently reminding me of Malachy, what with the matching vein in their neck that seemed to throb whenever they explained what I did wrong. It was amusing even if half of what he said went in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t even doing it on purpose but after getting lectured on everything in my life by my father, I didn’t have the capacity to listen to anymore lectures.

“Are you listening to me?”

“Mmmhhh.”

“Really? Then what did I just say, Cell Bate?”

Stabbing a piece of dragon fruit, I plopped it in my mouth and talked as I chewed to annoy him, “That if I moved one millimeter off this bed, you’d tie me to it in a decidedly unsexy way. Which if you ask me is fucked up because really? Any bed tying should be sexy.”

Silver eyes squinted, “Which reminds me, no sex.”

“Excuse me, what?” I barked, eyebrows hitting my hairline.

“You heard Arseniy. You need twenty four hours of uninterrupted bed rest. That means no sex, Cell Bait.”

In complete denial, I sputtered, “B-but we’re finally together again after like a month of celibacy. We should be celebrating with a bang, literally.”

The smug bastard just scoffed and leaned further back into the pillows beside me, “You can hardly call a month without sex, a month of celibacy.”

“Well, asshole. When you’re forced to be celibate for seven hundred and fifty years and then you finally start having sex again. A month starts to feel like an unreasonable amount of time.”

“So you’re saying you only want me for my body?”

Shocked, the clump of oatmeal on my fork sloped back into the bowl, “Lilly if I wanted you for your body, do you honestly think I’d put up with half the shit we put each other through? This, whatever you want to call it, is hard work on both our parts. Definitely not something I’d go through for a piece of ass.”

“...I don’t know whether to be insulted that you think what we have is work or flattered that you’re willing to put in the work to make us work.”

Frustrated that my words came out jangled, I pushed the tray of food away, “That’s not what I-”

“I know, Cell Bait. I was just joking.” He tried to soothe me, placing a comforting hand on my thigh.

“No.” I shook my head in irritation at myself, “Let me get this out, Lilly. I feel like I know where you are emotionally when it comes to us. But you don’t know where I am and that’s not fair.”

“To be completely fair, we haven’t really had a conversation about our feelings or the future. Just that we’re mates. Although, it’s not like we’ve had the time either. What with us only being able to spend a few days together here and there. Not to mention the fact that you hated me for most of those days.” He reasoned, finishing with a playful bump to my shoulder.

Dropping my head on his broad shoulder, I sighed, “Divines, how sad is that?”

“Hey, we’ve had a few important moments. It hasn’t all been blood, sex and anger.”

“As much as I love those things, I think we should clear the air.” I murmured, slipping my hand into his to toy with his long fingers.

My head fell from his shoulder as he leaned forward to pull the furs over our legs, “I agree. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I think my explosions of jealousy stem from not knowing where you stand.”

Instead of dropping my head back onto his shoulder, I leaned to the side to look at him with a raised brow, “Someone’s been deep diving in their emotions lately.”

“Your ex actually helped me realize that one.”

An unconvinced laugh escaped my lips, “Nimue? How did that happen?”

Silver eyes slid over to connect with mine, “Why didn’t you tell me jealousy was what ended your last relationship? Or how bad it was? You ended it on less than amicable terms, Macha. How didn’t my jealousy drive you away?”

I blew out a heavy breath as I collected my thoughts. The one thing more complicated than me and Nimue’s relationship was talking about me and Nimue’s relationship. It was so different from me and Cillian’s that I had never even compared the two. My feelings for Cillian were so effortless that I never really took the time to look at them. The way we worked and fit together was seamless as well. I had this bone deep feeling for him that I’d never had for Nimue. With her, I now understood that it was mostly forced on my part.

I overlooked things that I shouldn’t have, indulged in liquor when I normally wouldn’t have, and I bit my tongue when I would’ve given someone a verbal lashing. I did all of that because I thought I was in love with her, that she was my perfect match. Nimue cheered on my antics and even joined in on some and I thought that meant that she was the one. That she was the only one who would ever truly accept me for who I was so I let things go to keep her happy. But looking at Cillian I knew how wrong I was and it made me cringe at the way I acted with her.

“With Nimue, I was a completely different person.” I finally replied, shifting so I could look at him fully. “And I’m not just talking about how Slykhelm changed me. I was a different person from my old self with her. Someone I’m not particularly proud of. I didn’t tell you the details of our relationship because I never considered you similar to her in any way. Her jealousy stemmed from envy. Envy of who I was, of how other Fae regarded me and what my name invoked in them. Dani doesn’t know but that wasn’t the first time Nimue cheated on me, it was just the first time I’d caught her in the act.”

Cillian’s rough hand twisted in my hold to lock our fingers together and squeeze, a darkness spreading in his eyes.

I focused on the way his darker skin tone looked against my slightly lighter hand, “You should know, I killed a few of them when they had the nerve to taunt me with it. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make, she cheated to purposefully hurt me. Whenever she felt less than, when her crew would defer to me instead of her, when I had to save her ass or whenever she thought I cheated. You’ve never done any of those things. My power and status doesn’t phase you, you’ve only ever tried to make me a better Fae. Your jealousy comes from a place of insecurity, Nimue’s came from a place of envy. That’s why I put up with it.”

“You should’ve told me. Maybe we could have had this conversation sooner and avoided certain events.”

I shook my head with a grin, “And miss all that drama and angst? No, thank you. We had some pretty hot sex because of those events.”

Silver eyes rolled, “And we’re back to sex. Who would’ve thought?”

“I resent that.” I stated, tossing a piece of dragon fruit at him.

Catching it, he plopped it into his mouth with a smirk, “You’re lucky you’re on bed rest.”

Now, I was the one rolling my eyes, “Shut up and let me emotionally sex your mind.”

Ignoring his extremely confused expression, I pressed my hands into the mattress and slowly pushed myself up to my knees. Panting at the amount of energy it took to do such a small act, I dug my fingers into the furs at the pins and needle sensation racing over my limbs. Arseniy really hadn’t been kidding about that bed rest, it was easy to ignore when I was barely moving but fuck. It felt like I had a full body charlie horse added with the dull throbbing of my healing wounds. Thankfully the healer had bathed me before the others came back because there was no way my ass was getting into a tub right now.

“Lilly, be a good mate and pull me onto your lap.” I pouted. “My body is uncooperative.”

He stared at me for a moment before laughing and leaning forward to drag me onto his lap, “This might be the first time you’ve ever asked me for my help.”

“Ha ha.” I remarked, settling into his lap with my knees on either side of his hips. “Now are you going to let me express my feelings or do you want to keep making jokes?”

“Is this what you meant when you said you were going to emotionally sex my mind?”

Sighing dramatically, I dropped my hands on his muscular shoulders, “I guess you don’t want to know how I feel about you then…”

“Alright, alright. I’ll shut up.”

“Finally.” I snipped, loving the heat of his palms sinking into my hips. “Now bear with me because I’m not great at this.”

He nodded without a word. Smart man.

Drawing on the feeling that always surfaced when I thought of Cillian, I began trying to piece it into words, “When we were separated, it felt like I was missing something. Something important. Whenever we’re together I feel whole, grounded in a way I’ve never felt before. There’s just something so right about you and me. It’s like you know what I need before I do. And while it isn’t love, at least not yet, it’s something very close or more than that. Because the person I thought of when they hit me with those iron grappling hooks was you. You were my last thought when I thought I was going to die, Cillian. I’ve never thought of anybody before. I know I’ve made jokes about it in the past but I’m starting to think you truly are my sanity. And even with the things we still need to work on, I don’t think the Divines could have picked a better mate for me. I certainly couldn’t have.”

After a long moment of him staring back at me with a slack expression, I gave a nervous laugh, “Did that make sense or did I break you into a million little pieces of panic? Oomph.”

One second I was making a joke to break the painfully awkward silence between us and the next I was smooshed against his hard chest. His arms like bands of iron were wrapped around me so tightly that I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. With my face pushed into the crook of his neck, I relaxed and slowly wrapped my own arms around him.

We stayed like that for a few moments until he finally broke the silence, “I feel the same way. Not exactly but that bone deep feeling that we’re right for each other? I feel that. You make me feel something else as well, something no one else has but I can’t place the feeling yet.”

“You don’t have to. Not right now. All these deep emotions are new for you, take your time.”

“You make me sound so unfeeling.” He snorted.

I shook my head in disagreement and placed a soft kiss to the pulse point on his throat, “Not unfeeling just...a little repressed.”

“You’re being very nice today.”

“Well, I did almost die on you again and you had to meet my ex because of it sooooo…” I responded with a shrug, snuggling further into his body.

He groaned, “Don’t remind me.”

Laughing, I gave a content sigh, “Do you feel better now? Knowing how I feel about you?”

“I do. It settles me to know that I’m the only one for you.”

I hummed closing my eyes, happy that he finally understood and thankful that my near death experience brought everything into focus.

“That even though we didn’t choose each other, we still chose to stay together.”

“Of course. The little girl in me who adored your string bean teenage ass is currently fan girling.”

His chest vibrated as he laughed, “String bean? What are you talking about?”

“Don’t even. You know how skinny you used to be and I, for one, am not disappointed on how you filled out.” I grinned, trying not to laugh as I remembered how skinny and serious looking he used to be. “That’s why I started calling you Lilly. Because you were as skinny as a Lilly stem and so poised looking.” Sᴇaʀᴄh thᴇ FɪndNøvel.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

He jostled me as he laughed harder, “I thought that that was a play on my name. Doesn’t matter now I guess, I remember you still being obsessed with me.”

I scoffed, “Arrogance, Arrogance, Lilly. It’s an ugly trait.”

“Since we’re on the topic, want to know why I call you Cell Bait?

“Because I was a gorgeous underage girl that you could barely resist?” I preened.

Cillian snorted, “You wish. No, it wasn’t anything like that. At the time I felt protective of you more than anything else. You were like one of those baby birds caught in an oil spill.”

“Fucker.” I shot back in amusement, retaliating with a jab of my fingers to his ribs. “Why else would you call me Cell Bait, then?”

“Because you were infuriating.”

I cracked an eye open, “What?”

“All I wanted to do back then was help you and you’d snub me at every turn.”

Pulling back so I could look him in the eye, I asked, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I call you Cell Bait because I always knew one day, I’d go to jail for doing something in order to protect you.”

I blinked before a loud bout of belly deep laugher escaped my lips, “Oh, Divines. We’re so bad at nicknames.”

He started to laugh with me, “Hey, I still think mine’s good.”

Still laughing, I slumped back against his chest and tried to catch my breath.

Cillian did the same, his chest lifting me slightly with each deep breath he took to help lessen his laughter.

When we both stopped laughing, we stayed in our cozy position for a long time in a comfortable silence. The heat of the day seeping through the flimsy tent walls and the warmth of Cillian’s body heat gently lulled me to sleep. My body was just starting to feel weightless when Lilly spoke, the soft baritone of his whiskey voice bringing me back to awareness.

“Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?” I murmured.

“Those jokes when I-when I had to-during the-”

I cut him off, rubbing his back soothingly as I spoke, “I could see you over thinking it. Could see the self-hatred taking root in your soul. I wanted to take you out of the moment, distract you from what had to be down. I meant what I said in that interrogation room, Lilly. Nothing changes between us because what happened doesn’t matter. It’s just another bullet point on the long list of things that we had to do for the greater good.”

Cillian didn’t respond but hugged me to his chest tighter as he shifted us down the bed. Laying on our sides, wrapped up in each other, he placed a kiss to my forehead and pushed the hair away from my face, “I may not be able to describe what I feel right now. But I’m starting to think it won’t be long before I’m completely in love with you and your heart stopping antics.”

A fire of emotion erupted in my chest and a large grin split my face as I snuggled deeper into him, “Me too, Lilly. Me too.”

——

Finally, Finally! These motherfuckers have a honest and open talk about their feelings! This is what happens when you have two emotionally stunted characters that fall in love people, lmao. This little fuzzy moment was much needed between these two. Alsooooo, y’all will be getting an introduction to Oberon and the Seelie Court soon! I can’t wait for you guys to see Macha in a overly happy environment. And if your already thinking about how chaotic that’s going to be, you’d be right. Lmao.

As always, leave a comment or a like if you want to!

Smooches, Verbage💋

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