The Fickle Winds of Autumn
63. Ellis has Concerns

The comfortable fire in Aldwyn’s chambers threw out its friendly warmth against the descent of evening; it softly caressed Kira’s legs as she sat staring at the patterns created by the deftly shimmering flames.

Her grateful hands cradled a steaming mug of broth, while the crackling, glowing embers shifted and glided and curled up the blackened chimney.

The luxury of her situation still impressed itself into her - but she was determined not to let any nagging doubts about self-indulgence prevent her from relishing the cosy surroundings as she sat on the rug, and waited for her bread to toast.

“I just don’t know any more,” said Ellis from his chair at the table behind her, “it all seems so strange. First there’s this business with the Church and the old Patrex, and now he buries himself away in the Library day after day. Who knows what he’s doing in there - he won’t even tell me about the books he’s consulting, let alone what he hopes to discover in them.”

“But that’s hardly fair,” said Kira as she turned to face him, “you know he can’t tell us - Patrex Steadman made him promise not to.”

The warm smell of browning bread drifted up and tantalised her eager nose.

She lifted the toasting fork from the hearth and moved to sit in the candlelight of the table.

“But those sorts of rules and authority never seemed to bother him before,” said Ellis.

“But in his own cottage, his own rules apply,” Kira responded. “Now he’s here in the Cathedral, he must obey the Patrex, just as everyone else has to.”

“But I just can’t feel sure who he really is any more - or whether I trust him as much as I did.”

“But that’s just it,” said Kira, “you did trust him and he trusts you. I saw you both working together that morning in his cottage - no-one could fake that or pretend to care about you as much as he obviously does.”

Kira spread her toast with a thick layer of honey; it oozed over the hot surface; the pale, translucent drops reflected the warm candle-glow as they dribbled over the edges of the bread.

Just how she liked it.

True, it was another lavish indulgence - but while she was at the Cathedral, she was determined to enjoy her stay - and besides, it would have been rude to her hosts not to accept their full hospitality.

“And then he helped us both escape from the slavers and the wolves,” she continued. “And from what you’ve told me, he single-handedly risked his own life to rescue me from the haemagiles. That’s the Aldwyn that I know and trust - even though I’ve only known him a short time.”

Her mouth rejoiced as she crunched into the sweet, sticky toast. The thick honey clung lovingly to her lips and chin.

“At the moment, he’s a bit pre-occupied,” she managed to say, “but it seems that everyone else is too - ever since those witches attacked the ceremony.”

“Well, I’m fed up with being stuck in this room,” said Ellis. “We’re completely isolated from any news of what’s going on out there - I mean, we’re little better than prisoners in here.”

“It’s only for a few days,” said Kira, as she munched on her toast, “and I’m certainly not complaining!”

She paused to savour the seeping flow of the honey across her tongue and throat, then washed it slowly down with a mouthful of hot milk.

“You have to try and think of all the nice things that he’s done for you,” she said. “I thought you told me that he took you in when the people in your village threw stones at you because of the magik symbols on your arms?”

“Yes, I suppose that’s true. Even my parents didn’t seem to know how to cope with a magikant in the family - at times they were just as frightened of me as the rest of them.”

“So wasn’t that kind of him?”

“Eventually, I saw it that way. But in the first few weeks with Aldwyn, I remember always feeling so alone and afraid, and wondering what I’d done wrong, and why my parents didn’t want me any more - it all seemed so confusing and unfair. I think that might be the reason I decided to help you that day in the marketplace - when I saw how unhappy you were with the slavers - I suppose it reminded me a bit of myself, and how little control we seem to have over our own fate, just because we‘re young.”

“Yes, I often felt the same - even back at the convent - the nuns seemed to have my life all planned out for me - the rules and regulations, what I would do with my life, and when I would do it - there never seemed to be any room for me to be just me.”

“I know Aldwyn needed me as his votary - to help look after things and run errands - but I sometimes think that perhaps it was just because he was a bit lonely, stuck out there in that cottage, all on his own. I never really thought about it or questioned his motives too much until now. It was just the way of things…”

“But Aldwyn has given you a purpose in your life - he’s taught you how to make the most of your gift so that you can be useful to yourself and others. They taught us at the convent, that our greatest happiness comes from discovering the Surrounder’s true purpose for us - hasn’t Aldwyn led you to that? If any of the nuns had shown even half the kindness and interest in me that I’ve seen Aldwyn give to you, I’d be grateful to them forever.”

“And then you must have noticed his star-taint is getting worse,” said Ellis. “Sometimes he tries to grasp at words he can no longer remember. He almost forgot my name the other day.”

“It might be he’s unwell. But also perhaps he’s just so pre-occupied with researching the scrolls and so on at the moment, that he’s become a little absent-minded lately. His work must be really important - otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed here - not after how they treated him last time.”

“I not sure I would know how to look after him properly if it gets much worse.”

“Well then, it would be even more cruel to give up on him now - just when he really needs the support of a true friend.”

“Friends don’t keep such huge secrets from each other. And then you know he intends to send you back to the convent - whether you want to go there or not - he might even be arranging the whole thing now, as we speak.”

Kira’s anxious stomach sank and tied itself into knots; the warmth of the fire fell from the room and caused her skin to shiver.

“Yes … I’ve been wondering about that,” she said, “especially since being here, in the Cathedral - it’s brought back so many memories - and not all of them pleasant ones…”

Ellis slouched forward, but looked straight at her.

“It’s just that, you know, I mean, I’ve sort of got used to you being around after all this time. That is, it’s been nice having someone my own age to talk to.”

Kira looked down at her toast.

The fire crackled in the hearth.

“And I’ve been thinking, these last few days,” Ellis continued, “I’m not so sure if I want to go back to live with Aldwyn in the cottage again. I mean, perhaps it’s time for me to begin making my own way in the world. I already know enough spells and potions to deal with most of the common ailments and illnesses; and I could buy scrolls to learn what I don’t yet know. I could find a town or village without a healer, and set up a home of my own there.”

Ellis stared across the table - his eyes seemed to search into her.

The room offered no shelter.

There was nowhere to hide.

“And I was thinking … it would be nice if you could come with me - I mean, if that’s what you wanted - I’d like it if you would.”

Kira’s heart dizzied and raced.

Her nervous stomach tumbled and tied.

She looked back at him - full in his face - and caught the honest warmth of his eyes - the eyes that had so captivated her on the mountainside; the eyes that she had noticed herself thinking about so often since then; the eyes that now sparkled and glinted in the playful candle-glow, so near to her that she could not be certain that her thoughts were her own anymore.

They were sincere and truthful.

He wanted her to go with him - to be with him in the world.

He was kind; she could trust him - and he seemed to know what he was doing - he certainly knew more about the outer-world than she did.

How nice it might be to have a home, to experience a life together - without the impossible nuns fussing and ordering her about constantly.

But would it be right to just abandon Aldwyn like that?

To go away without him and repay all his kindness in that way?

After everything he had done for her?

After everything he had risked?

Especially now - if he really was ill and needed their help and support?

But then, wasn’t it her life?

Hadn’t the Surrounder gifted it to her?

Shouldn’t she be free to choose for herself, without such a heavy burden of guilt?

Ellis sat motionless opposite her; the blue of his eyes reached for her response; the quick, shallow thud of her heart, transfixed above the sound of her breath.

Her eyes were drawn through the window over his shoulder.

They should have closed the shutters by now - the dark of autumn’s evening had already stolen the colourful glory of the day, and the expectant stars had gathered; they peered down on her; waiting; impatient for her answer.

Her palms sweated in the tense, oppressive silence.

Her eyes became uncertain of where to look.

She tried to gather her scattered thoughts up into one place, but her mind refused to think or focus properly.

Why were decisions such difficult, slippery things?

Perhaps a cloistered life where all her thoughts and choices were already made for her would be better?

It would certainly be easier.

In truth, it was all she had ever really known.

It would be a huge and terrifying step to leave it all behind and invest her everything with his.

She glanced across at the blue of Ellis’s eyes again; her doubts drifted and melted.

This was her chance.

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A life she had not even dared to allow herself to dream about in the cold loneliness of the convent.

Her mouth and tongue tingled and dried.

They knew what she must say.

They understood the importance of her words, and saw the happy vision of her years unfolding before her.

She parted her thrilled, anxious lips to reply.

The sullen echo of heavy, bustling footsteps scuffled in the corridor outside and shattered the shy warmth of the room.

Kira leant back from the table, and the hopeful, dizzying spell fell away from around her, as the door to the chambers opened abruptly.

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