The Worst Man on Mars
Berk and Mare

JAMES BERK: As we wait for the doors to open and the colonists to make their first steps on Mars, it’s difficult not to be proud to be British. Isn’t that right, Patrick?

SIR PATRICK MARE: Oh, absolutely, James. Isn’t it just! A truly historic moment. Marvellous to think that we British achieved it! And you know, it’s been done without fuss, without showiness, without complication.

JAMES: Er, there have been three fatalities along the way, but let’s not concern ourselves with those at the moment. Let me explain to any viewers who have just joined us. The picture we’re seeing is of the doors of the space elevator in the entrance hall of Botany Base. When the lift arrives, those doors will open and the colonists will come out one by one. I expect Mission Commander Flint Dugdale will be the first to emerge, make a speech, and then the others will follow. What do you think is going through their minds right now, Patrick?

PATRICK: Oh, I expect they’re very excited, James. Very excited, indeed. I know I would be. Ha, ha, ha. Just think, to be the first to step out on another planet. Marvellous.

JAMES: We seem to have lost sound from Botany Base at the moment, so all we’re getting are the pictures. The robots appear to be playing some musical instruments, but unfortunately we can’t hear what they’re playing. Are you concerned about the loss of sound, Patrick?

PATRICK: It might be significant. It might not be. We just don’t know. Sᴇaʀ*ᴄh the FindNʘᴠᴇl.nᴇt website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

JAMES: Ah, the picture’s switched to NAFA’s Mission Control Room in Euston. They’re watching the same pictures from Mars that we are. Remember, they take about 6 minutes to reach Earth as Mars and Earth are nearly as close as they get to one another. How do you think the NAFA controllers are feeling, Patrick?

PATRICK: At a guess: excited. I would expect they’re very, very excited, James. This is a first for them, too. Years of preparation have gone into this.

JAMES: Oh, hang on, back to Botany Base and the robots all seem to be leaving the entrance hall. They seem to be heading off somewhere. Oops, looks like one has knocked the camera over.

PATRICK: Oh, I say!

JAMES: I suppose we’ll just have to watch these historic pictures sideways. Looking across at Mission Control, I get the impression that they’re just as baffled as we are. And they’re having to watch the pictures sideways, too.

PATRICK: I’d just like to mention those robots, James. The pinnacle of British engineering, they really are. The pictures we received of Botany Base earlier today. Weren’t they marvellous! To think that machines built such a complicated set of buildings with no human intervention whatsoever. Breath-taking.

JAMES: Sorry to interrupt you, Patrick, but we’re getting some new pictures. These must be from a new camera. Can you tell where it is, Patrick?

PATRICK: Well, I’d say it’s outside the base. By George, look at that, there’s a chap on the roof! My word, James, he appears to be beating his bare chest and shouting something.

JAMES: Yes, I see him. Oh my God, it’s Mission Commander Flint Dugdale, if I’m not mistaken. He’s wearing ... what is he wearing? Looks like a tee-shirt, a pair of dungarees, and on his head what looks like a moped crash-helmet. What do you suppose is happening?

PATRICK: Hmm, I wonder. Space madness? There have been several instances in the past few years. There was that Chinese astronaut, in 2023. Believed he was a pregnant panda. Spent the whole mission looking for bamboo shoots and chewing the closest things he could find.

JAMES: What was that, Patrick?

PATRICK: Green wiring, James. He ate the green wiring.

JAMES: Sorry to interrupt again, Patrick, but we have some breaking news from Mars. Flint Dugdale is sliding down the roof toward the robots!

PATRICK: Yes, yes, I see him. What an incredible sight. My word, he’s landed right in the middle of them. Wait a minute, James, I think I see the unfolding story here. Look, up there, on top of the roof. The space elevator’s stuck – somehow it failed to enter the lift-shaft. The others must still be trapped inside. Perhaps the commander’s risking his life in a bid to save them.

JAMES: I think you’re right, Patrick. I must say I’ve had my reservations about the commander during this mission but this paints him in a new light.

PATRICK: Oh, my goodness, he’s dropped like a sack of potatoes. I can’t see him for the robots. And, is that Rodin’s Thinker? What’s going on here, James?

JAMES: He’ll freeze to death if he doesn’t get to the base soon. The robots need to get him into the building. Oh, my Lord, I can hardly look.

PATRICK: I can’t see him but the robots must have realised his desperate predicament. Looks like they’re moving him toward the entrance, very slowly.

JAMES: They’ll be worried about moving him too quickly Patrick, in case of neck injury. Standard procedure when someone falls off a roof.

PATRICK: I think they’ve got him into the Biosphere but we’re out of camera range. Hold on, hold on, I’ve just heard through my earpiece from the guys at NAFA. They’re hoping to patch into an internal video feed.

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