The Other Side
Chapter 11: Letting Go

Morning sunlight, thin but still cheery, slanted through the library windows. Sir Silver had picked out a table that was in the direct path of the sunbeams, but even after realizing this, he felt no inclination to move. The light felt homey to him, a reminder of who he was, what he was.

Algernon, fortunately, didn’t appear to be dazzled by the brightness. From his spot in the chair across from Sir Silver, he was saying, “So it’s really not as bad as we had feared. Cecil – excuse me, His Majesty – has never been the sort to hold grudges.”

“Well, I suppose that you would know his temperament better than anyone,” answered Sir Silver. “But you can’t tell me that he has no ill feelings towards Chuva after she shrieked at him the way she did.” sᴇaʀᴄh thᴇ Find ɴøᴠel.nᴇt website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

“No, I can’t tell you that,” Algernon admitted. “And I know that you don’t think highly of him, but he’s not as stupid as you think he is. He knows that we need her. I’d almost completely convinced him of that anyway, but the whole shapeshifter incident last night tipped him over the edge. We couldn’t possibly get rid of her outright…”

“…but there will be repercussions,” finished Sir Silver, folding his hands on the table in front of him. “I think that she and I both expected that.”

Aside from the silent battalion of books in the shelves surrounding them, they had the library to themselves. He suspected that Violet would probably leap out of bed today and run straight here, but since she had not yet put in an appearance, he hoped that she was sleeping in after last night’s misadventures. Ally or not, she wasn’t yet ready to hear every little detail of his life.

Algernon straightened his jacket briskly. “Probation.”

“Is that all?” Probation, a sort of half-assed suspension, generally never amounted to more than a slap on the wrist; it essentially meant that when a castle employee broke some important rule (or, more commonly, had a history of breaking many less-important rules) they were put into a “no tolerance” period that lasted for several weeks. If they committed any further transgressions during that time, they would be fired; if not, they returned to normal employment status. Off the top of his head, Sir Silver could think of only one person who’d been dismissed after being put on probation, and that was Chuva’s predecessor. And he’d been an exceptional case in every sense of the phrase.

“That and apologizing, of course,” replied Algernon. “I’ll admit, I generally wouldn’t go so easy on an offense like this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We need her, Silver. Your personal relationship with her has nothing to do with it – we need as many demon killers around as possible. So, while His Majesty isn’t exactly pleased with her, he admits the necessity of keeping her around. And it will be even more necessary when we get into the other matter that I wanted to discuss.”

Sir Silver nodded. Intelligence meetings were always necessary after a demon attack, but apparently something else had happened this morning, with either very good or very bad timing. “Let’s get into it now, shall we? I don’t think that there’s much more to say on the subject of Chuva.”

“Certainly.” Algernon reached into the inner pocket of his jacket and withdrew a folded sheet of paper. “We’ve received a letter from Genevieve in Pantonai.”

“Genevieve!” Sir Silver felt about as much of a jolt as his mask’s enchantment allowed. “I can’t remember the last time we heard from her. What does she–”

A creak from the direction of the library door interrupted him. For half a second he wondered if they’d been caught out by Violet, but then he felt a familiar presence washing over his mind like a warm ocean wave over sand, and he relaxed. “Come in, Chuva,” he called.

“I was already in,” she retorted, her footsteps scuffling against the carpet. He held out the chair beside him in preparation for her, but when she came into sight, she remained standing with her arms crossed defensively over her chest.

Algernon smiled at her beatifically. “Good morning, milady. What brings you here?”

“The fact that you two were talking about me,” she said bluntly.

“Ah, that’s right, you would know that.” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. “I know all about doubles-telepathy in theory, but somehow, I’m still caught off-guard when it happens in practice…”

“You’re slightly late,” Sir Silver informed her. “We have moved on from talking about you and are now starting to talk about Genevieve.”

“Who the void’s Genevieve?”

“A very old friend of mine. Whom I met during the war.”

Her eyes widened; she reached out to touch his mind, requesting confirmation of her suspicions, which he gave to her readily. “Oh, you mean that kind of ‘friend.’ Got it.”

“Euphemisms aside, she and I genuinely are friends, and apparently she’s sent us a letter. But I’ll let Algernon finish that part of the conversation.” He pulled out the chair a little further, and Chuva dropped into it, still more preoccupied with her current employment status than news of a fellow god…but he didn’t blame her for that. Not wanting to keep her in suspense for any longer, but also not wanting to delay Algernon’s news, he reached out and placed his hand over hers, transmitting the word of her probation along with his touch. Although he felt her receive the message, she chose to withhold her reaction from him for the time being.

“Genevieve,” began Algernon, “is a member of our planetary research team.”

“Your what?” asked Chuva, directing the question more towards her double even as she made eye contact with the minister.

“Our planetary research team,” Sir Silver echoed. “While the Thirty Years’ War was certainly horrific, more of – my friends – survived it than not. Once our loss became clear, we devoted ourselves to finding another solution for the planet’s decay, and spread out among the remaining settlements to conduct an investigation. I was assigned to Cumula City, and for the past twenty-two years, I have remained here as part of a global intelligence network, which is comprised almost exclusively of former GSA soldiers and their intimates.”

“And you never bothered to tell me about this earlier because…?”

“It has been an extremely eventful few weeks. You will have to forgive me for not disclosing every detail immediately.”

She scoffed at him. “When I first got here, you were lecturing me on how there was no way we could ever stop the numbing, and yet all this time you’ve been part of a research time that’s trying to do just that?”

“Yes, and for more than two decades, the research team has turned up absolutely nothing of interest, so I could not help being rather pessimistic about the whole endeavor.”

“But that may have just changed,” interjected Algernon. “In her letter, Genevieve – she’s our closest contact, Chuva, so she’s the one we most often hear from – says that she may have had a breakthrough. Something about a way to use magic to destroy the Equilibrium…but she’s requesting assistance from us.”

And by us, she means Algernon and me, Sir Silver told Chuva privately. Aloud, he asked, “May I see the letter?”

Algernon passed it across to him. He scanned the letter quickly but thoroughly, hoping that Genevieve had mentioned more about her potential breakthrough, but he found no more information than what Algernon had summarized…except for one comment: “I apologize for not elaborating, but if I started writing down my speculations, this letter would turn into a book and it would never reach you in time.” Which, Sir Silver had to admit, was very much the truth whenever Genevieve was involved.

“‘If at least one of you could travel to Pantonai as soon as possible, I feel that we could make some real headway on this,’” he quoted. “That’s her subtle way of asking me to come. She knows very well that the monarchy would fall apart without you here, Algernon, even if you could safely make the trip.”

“Pantonai…” repeated Chuva, compressing her lips together for a moment. “Hey, Silas, didn’t you grow up near there?”

“I did. The village where I was born no longer exists” – not something that he would normally bring up, but then, no one could empathize on that point more than Chuva – “but Pantonai was the closest major city. In fact, that is where I enlisted for the Global Safeguard Army in the first place.”

“And how far away is it, exactly?”

“A week’s journey. Give or take.” He carefully folded the letter and placed it in front of him as if it were a delicate heirloom. “But it requires passing through the gray lands. I could always send Algernon with a small detail of my people, but that wouldn’t address the greater issue, which is that this government is largely dependent on him being here. So, I’ll have to go.”

Algernon frowned. “I’m not sure that it’s such a good idea for you to go either, Silver. With all of these demon attacks we’ve had lately…”

“Normally I would agree with you, and would probably let Genevieve know that we were both held here, but circumstances have changed. You have Chuva to protect the city in my absence. Yes, she will be on probation, but what better way for her to prove herself loyal than to act as the interim Captain of the Royal Guard while I travel to Pantonai?”

Algernon seemed to see the logic in this, even if he did still appear to be a bit uncertain about surrendering the kingdom’s primary means of security for a short time. Chuva, on the other hand, looked like she was sucking on a lemon wedge.

“I’m very flattered,” she said dubiously, “but, Silas, you’re being completely stupid. Me, interim Captain of the Royal Guard? I’ve barely lived here for a few weeks! I don’t know half as much about how things work here as you do!”

“That isn’t an issue. I would teach you –”

She cut him off with a raised hand. “But what I do know a lot about is traveling, including how to keep my ass safe when I’m going through the gray lands. Add in the fact that, probation or not, King Cecil isn’t actually crazy about having me around right now, and I think you know where I’m going with this. Both of you stay here, and I’ll go to Pantonai to see this Genevieve person.”

Despite his mask, Sir Silver felt himself seize up at the thought of her leaving. She’d been gone for so long, and just days ago, they’d had an argument that had made him seriously concerned that she’d just walk out. For her to volunteer herself for this journey, and so soon –

She laid her fingers against his arm gently, less surprised at his moment of vertigo than he was. “Look at it this,” she said softly. “Are you super familiar with everything in Pantonai?”

“No.” His voice was as even as ever, unaffected by his lingering anxiety. “It’s been quite a long time since I was there last.”

“And I’m not super familiar with Cumula City. So it comes down to either both of us walking into situations we aren’t ready for, or just me having to flail around for a bit while you keep things running smoothly here. This place is important. The least you could do is not hand over the reins to somebody who can’t even keep from being insubordinate to the king.”

And in his mind, she murmured, ’I am not doing this to get away from you. In fact, I’m going to miss you like crazy every second I’m away, but I shouldn’t be gone too long – and besides, we’ve lived our whole lives being an entire world away from each other. What’s one week’s journey after that?’

Algernon bobbed his head, clearly liking this plan of action better than the one that involved Sir Silver leaving. “Her idea makes sense,” he declared. “And there’s no reason why she can’t serve out her probation in Pantonai; she’ll still be going there as a representative of the Royal Guard, after all, and if she really does help with this possible breakthrough, there’s no way that anyone will be able to justify firing her.”

Sir Silver swallowed his reluctance and said, “I agree.”

“When do you need me to leave, then?” asked Chuva.

“Within the next two or three days. Let’s let things settle down a little first,” suggested Algernon. “And it will give us time to let Genevieve know about the arrangement.”

With that, there was nothing more to discuss – at least in each other’s company. The three of them pushed out their chairs, stood up, and wandered towards the doors that would take them to another long day of work. But Chuva did make one last comment before they parted: “Hey, if the journey between here and Pantonai is so dangerous, how did your friend Genevieve even get a letter here?”

“She sent it by carrier pigeon,” replied Sir Silver.

“Carrier pigeon?” The corners of her mouth twitched. “Are you serious?”

“Deadly serious. One thing you’ll learn about Genevieve after you meet her is that she has a particular fondness for birds…”

Silas came to see her while she was packing, adding her copious spare uniforms to the brand-new travel bag that she’d been given for the trip. The bedroom that she’d never really gotten the chance to move into looked even more barren with the wardrobe open and mostly empty – but, she reminded herself, this would be a temporary situation. Hopefully she could return to this place with a new hope for saving the world and ample time to make the room feel like hers.

Her double didn’t knock, but rather lingered outside the door like a stalker, waiting for her to pick up on his mental signature…which didn’t take long. She yelled over her shoulder, “Just open the door, you creep!”

He did exactly that, peering inside as if he were violating some sanctuary instead of looking at what was more or less a guest room. “Getting ready for your departure tomorrow?” he asked rather superfluously.

“Of course. My first official day off since I got this job, and I’m spending it packing…” Chuva sighed dramatically and whirled around to face him. “Anyway, you’d better come inside before you give the entire hallway a view of my panty collection.”

Silas balked ever so slightly. “And you’re not particularly concerned about me seeing that?”

“Not really. You’ve seen what’s inside my head; what’s inside my underwear drawer doesn’t seem especially intimate after that.”

After one last moment of hesitation – possibly so that he could ascertain that there were no panties in sight – he stepped inside, letting the door swing into place behind him. His countenance was somehow even more grave than usual. “I was hoping that we could talk for a moment.”

Chuva unceremoniously shoved a stack of clothes off of her bed, plopped down in the spot that it had occupied, and patted the space next to her.

He lowered himself down, hands clasped almost prayerfully, radiating tension; his mind was torn between feeling the tumult of emotions that her plan to leave had instigated, and the forced logical calm imposed by his mask. She looked at him without staring, waiting for him to start, and finally he stated, “I wanted to talk about some of the thoughts I picked up from you after our argument.”

Shit. No way that this could go in a comfortable direction. “Uh, okay, can you be a little more specific?”

“You were thinking about how the two of us had been…forced together, by virtue of what we are. Forced into intimacy, and therefore forced into loving each other. And that the ‘me’ you really loved was simply an idealization that you had come up with.”

Her cheeks tingled; she wasn’t sure if she was blushing or had gone pale. “I thought I’d fucking shielded that.”

“I believe that the intensity of your emotion must have leaked through the shield at that moment. The only reason that I can block off my thoughts so efficiently is because…well, you know.” He cleared his throat. “But what I really wanted to ask is if you only thought those things because you were upset, or if you still believe them to be true.”

Now it was Chuva’s turn to hesitate – not just because of the shame of being caught out, but because she needed a few seconds to organize her thoughts before she could articulate them. “Okay, here’s the thing. I was definitely really upset at the time – like, really upset – so everything about our relationship did seem like more of a giant scam than it did later on. But you have to admit that having a double is a little fucked up.”

He nodded uncomfortably.

“We’re attached to each other, dependent on each other, and we’ve got no say in the matter. In a lot of ways, it’s just a no-win situation. But when I decided that we were forced to love each other…I think that I was going a little too far. Because, when you really think about it, you could say that everybody is forced to love each other. People meet through whatever random events led to them being in the same place at the same time, they become friends, or they fall in love or get married. There’s no soulmates; they could be just as compatible with a thousand other people in the world, but they chose one person because that’s who they happened to meet. Or families – nobody gets to pick what family they’re born into, but for the most part, we still love them anyway. Sometimes against our better judgement.”

“We don’t get to choose the things we love,” murmured Silas.

“Not completely, no. But you know what? I don’t love you just because you’re my double. I love you because I got to know you, because I enjoy spending time with you, because you’ve been there to help me whenever you could. And I got to know you because you’re my double…but nobody told me that loving your double is required. It just…worked out that way.”

Wheels turned in his mind; she felt the vibrations carried over to her, though what conclusion he was trying to reach, she didn’t know.

Finally he asked, “When you say love, do you mean platonic love? Do you love me as a friend, or as something more like a brother, or…” He trailed off, perhaps because his meaning was perfectly clear without him putting the words to it.

“I love you as my double,” responded Chuva. “But if you want to know what that means, I’m not completely sure. Maybe it’s a new kind of love that mortals have never experienced before.”

“I see.” Silas smiled, and without thinking about it, the two of them joined hands. Being able to touch was almost a miracle, she reflected; it was something that their child selves would have killed to be able to do. Touching one another was something simple that they should not take for granted. “In that case, Chuva…I love you too.”

Chuva and Silas stood together on the hill that hosted the castle, taking in the view of Cumula City below them. It was the hour before dawn; Chuva could have delayed her trip a little longer, but she’d chosen this instead, wanting the opportunity to start her journey in the quiet darkness. Crystalline moonlight both softened the edges of the city and made every detail so much starker and clearer, perhaps not objectively better than sunlight, but definitely something different to be appreciated on its own merits.

“Darkness is beautiful,” said Silas.

“So is the light,” Chuva replied.

They turned towards each other in almost perfect synch. Chuva, wanting something to do with her hands, fiddled with the strap of her shoulder bag, while Silas stood rigidly upright, ever the soldier through and through. “Please be careful out there,” he murmured.

She nodded. “I can take care of myself. And I actually mean it this time – I’ve had more combat experience than just lessons with a training staff, and I’m not afraid of whatever demons are out there. If anything, they should be afraid of me.”

“I know that. But Equalizers aren’t the only danger you’ll be facing. I seem to recall Pantonai being a rather superstitious place, especially as the situation with the numbing grew worse; it’s probably where the people in my town got their ‘cursed child’ rhetoric from. I’d hate to see you get in trouble for casting the wrong spell in the wrong place, or for saying something about the gods that someone else takes offense to. Especially since you are currently on probation.”

“I can take care of myself,” she repeated.

“Chuva…” He sighed. “I’m not worried about your capabilities, all right? I am worried about you. And logically, yes, of course I know that you have survived on your own for many years, but the things I feel for you can sometimes override logic. I care about you, even if I’m…not always so good at showing it…and, as driveling as it may sound, I don’t want to lose you again.”

Her expression softened considerably; it seemed that the sentiment that he’d expressed struck her as less driveling and more touching. “You don’t need to be so worried…after all, we’re going to be in touch with each other in our unique doubles way, just like we’ve always been.”

“Yes? How do you figure we’ll manage that, once you’ve gotten far enough away?”

“Look at this.”

Chuva reached into her pocket, removing the time-encrusted object that had been her constant companion for all these years: her starstone. She held it up towards the moon, turning it slowly in her hand for him to see, and while the light caught it from every angle, there was no hint of a hairline fracture or any other sort of breakage.

Silas watched the unblemished surface of the brooch gleam in her hand, bemused. “You fixed it?”

“Shit, I didn’t do anything to it! I just happened to take it out to look at it this morning, and I realized that the crack was gone. I guess it fixed itself. Who knows? This fucking thing seems to have a mind of its own.”

“Indeed.” He paused. “Then I suppose I’ll talk to you later.”

“Talk to you later,” she echoed.

On the hill, under the moonlight, Chuva placed her hands on Silas’s shoulders and pulled herself up to plant a small kiss on his jaw – on a patch of skin not covered by his metallic mask. Then she started down the hill. After only a few steps, though, she turned around to see that her double was stretched up on his toes, waving to her broadly, and sending a heartfelt goodbye from his mind to hers.

Chuva cupped her hands around her mouth and called to him, “I’ll see you soon!”

Then she turned around, sucking in a deep breath, and small tears glittered in her eyes like the beads of morning dew in the grass underfoot. But she was not crying, not really; this was not a sad occasion. Her time with Silas wasn’t ending, just beginning again.

And with her heart and mind full of him, Chuva whipped off her cape, holding it out behind her like a banner as she stretched out her wings and soared upwards into the dark sky.

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