YUUKI - To Move Forward: Prelude 1
Chapter 22: The Blame Game

Log #340: Academies

In the instance of a subject failing either the mental or psychological exam, admission into an academy becomes significantly more difficult. It is crucial that any Warrior-in-training i mentally stable, and has an instinctive tendency to remain calm and determined throughout any ordeal they may come to face. Despite our best efforts to ensure only the most stable of people become Warriors, there are occasionally those who either mask their insanity incredibly well, or just haven’t even realized it themselves. Both instances are incredibly rare, and can cause serious problems in the future. If a student is, at any point, deemed to be too insecure to continue training, they are released from the academy. Often times, their resentment towards the academy that released them, combined with the power they’d gained from however long they were training, will drive the student to a less structured line of work. To put it simply, they go rogue.

-General Elvira Ramos

400 BPE

The sound of rustling bushes and disturbed vegetation hardly distracted me from the indescribable view laid out in front of me. The footsteps approaching from behind caught only a fraction of my attention, which was still trapped in awe. The sudden yelling and playful shaking of my shoulders, however, was enough to rip me back into reality.

“Jeez, what the hell do you want? What is it?” I waved my arm behind me violently, turning around to identify the interrupters.

Sarah and Matthew were stifling giggles, their palms facing forward as if showing that they mean no harm. The second they saw my face, however, their stupid giggles were silenced, faces deathly sober. The two of them inched closer, before sitting silently down a few feet away from me on their knees.

Sarah spoke up first. “Hey, there, Kazu. We, uh, noticed that you strayed from the group, and decided to go see if you needed some cheering up. I guess we were right, huh?”

“Yeah, clearly it’s way worse than we’d thought. That being said, we still are gonna help. Just tell us what we need to do.”

These guys. Straight to the point like always, I suppose. How annoying could you be? I guess skipping the “How are ya”s and the “What’s wrong”s is just what they do, but that doesn’t make them any less obnoxious.

“Hey, you two. Listen, I told the others, so I’ll tell you, too. I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, so don’t even bother trying to solve a problem that just isn’t there.”

They looked at each other for a moment, thinking about what I said. I could already tell, though, that they weren’t going to drop it. I sighed mentally, and prepared for a rehash of this afternoon.

“Is that so?” Matthew rubbed his chin, pretending to be pondering something. “Well, that’s too bad, cause we ain’t going anywhere. We’re here to help, and unfortunately for you, we don’t take ‘go away’ as an answer!” He leapt to his feet confidently, and dragged me to mine.

“H-Hey, let me go! Just let me go, damn it!” I lashed out at my assailant, my fist slamming directly into his wrist. Before he could react, I thrust my other fist forward, slugging him in the chest. He looked at me, and smiled.

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I could not let this bastard get away with taunting me. A strike to his gut, a chop to the knees, even an attempted headbutt to his ribs had no effect. I let out a frustrated grunt, and aimed a final jab at his throat. My hand shot forward, only to be caught by the hand that wasn’t holding me up.

Instead of countering my strike or striking back, he simply let go of my hand, watching it fall to my side.

“How about now?” His voice was somber, quiet. There wasn’t a trace of weakness or pain to be heard.

My body went limp, and I nodded silently, gritting my teeth. He released me, smiling, and I fell to my feet.

Sarah walked around to Matthew’s side. “So can you tell us yet?”

“You won’t want to hear it.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

You’ll get bored listening.”

“Sure.”

“You’ll wish you hadn’t asked.”

“Oh well.”

“...”

“...”

She wasn’t letting up, no matter how I protested. These two were clearly a perfect pair. There was absolutely no way to make them leave.

Instead, I stepped back, and closed my eyes. I could feel my nerves trembling from the cold wind passing by. My rugged hair danced playfully with the breeze, despite the torment of my inner thoughts. It seemed like no matter how long I stood there silently on that cliff, Sarah and Matthew waited with me. So instead of waiting, I spoke.

“Hey, Sarah, Matthew.” My voice felt distant, yet crystal clear. “Where did you two grow up?”

Sarah responded immediately, without hesitation. “Ismira, duh. I’m Arcos Academy’s heiress, remember? What you probably don’t know is that anyone of that class is sent to Ismira at an extremely young age to be educated and raised. Even if it means being separated from one’s parents for fifteen years.” She ended her comment quietly, lowering her head.

Matthew stepped forward, literally, and put his hands on his hips. “Devarden for life, man! Where else would someone as rugged and awesome like me possibly exist? Matter o’ fact, never been outside Devarden’s Barricade ‘till now! Pretty cool, huh? Wait, why you askin’? You were born and raised in Devarden too, right?”

There was a certain atmosphere that Matthew brought with him that guaranteed security, like that of a guardian. It seemed like anyone could relax around him, even the most quiet or insecure of people. I could see why Sarah hung out with him so much; his aura was strong enough to let her put her guard down, while his confidence guaranteed protection from any outside force.

“Actually, I was born in Viscor. Most people I know think the same as you, since I moved here when I was twelve for... personal reasons. I don’t even think the Twin Beaks know where I really grew up, and my little sis Rosa certainly doesn’t remember Viscor. But I remember. I’d managed to have forgotten for eight years, but it’s all there now. Everything...”

A voice called me out of my trance, and back into reality. Sarah had stepped up, and Matthew had reluctantly receded. I waited for her to say something witty or condescending.

Instead, she put a hand on my shoulder, and looked into my eyes, sympathy shining from hers. “Is that why you’ve been acting so strange? Because some bad memories have come back, and they’re making you feel all messed up?”

The last thing I wanted was to continue, but the warmth of her gentle yet determined grip loosened the thorny vines gripping my heart just a bit. I was trapped in quicksand; the more I struggled and fought, the deeper I sank. There was nothing I could do but give in.

“Well... yeah. Something did happen. Something that never should have happened.” When I looked up, her face was surprised. It took me a moment to realize that my voice had become harsh, and my knuckles were white.

I turned my head away, and relaxed my fists.

I took a deep, long, slow breath.

And I remembered.

“A couple years ago... no, it was eight years ago. I was ten. I was with five friends in a forest. We all loved going on adventures together, just like you’d expect from such little brats. Jack, Russell, Terry, Eir, and Junior. Junior was the youngest, but still led us better than the rest of us could have. That one night, in the forest, I’d been given executive control over our little ‘operation’, which was to investigate a creepy, overgrown cabin. For a while, everything went alright, albeit a bit uneventful. And then...” My throat constricted to hold down my emotions, silencing my story. But I had to continue. I knew that unless I faced my nightmare head on, then it would never stop haunting me.

So I took a deep breath, loosened the knots in my soul, and pressed on. “And then everything began to fall apart.” I took a quick glance at Sarah and Matthew; they were absorbed in every word I weaved, every image I created. They looked pitying, scared. I was scared, too.

The more I spoke, the faster the words spilled out like water pouring through the cracks in a dam. “First my talkie died, cutting off communications with Junior. Then, one by one, my friends began to disappear. Eir was torched by the flames of a spilled candle, Russell had been hung lifeless on the top floor, Jack got crushed by a chandelier saving me, I abandoned Terry to the inferno, and... Junior... was attacked by something or someone. By the time my mind had returned to my aching body, every last friend I had cared for and promised to protect was gone. Only I had been spa... saved, by who I assume was the cabin’s owner. Everyone else... They all...”

A hand reached out, and brushed my cheek. When I glanced at it, it twinkled. Sarah leaned over, and brushed away the other tears on my cheeks, the warmth of her hand pulsing through my skin. Her smile was sad and gentle. It must have been my own tears obscuring my vision, but I could have sworn that she was on the brink of tears herself. Behind me, a strong grip enveloped my shoulders. I could feel Matthew’s steady warmth through his gloves. Every breath stilled my shivering; every breath released ancient tension.

I had expected Sarah to be at least a bit skeptical, and possibly even slightly apathetic to my story; her reaction had caught me completely off guard. Never would I have expected such a prideful teenager such as herself to tear up at another’s tale, true or otherwise. Yet here she was, comforting me like a lost child who had wandered into a dark alley. She didn’t even speak.

Matthew’s silent support was just like him, unlike Sarah. Sure he had the personality of a snobby jock at times, but he seemed to be the type of guy who was there for you when you needed him most. No sarcasm, no bullcrap, and no comforting small talk. He sits down next to you, smiles with certain uncertainty, and just sits there with you. The two of them were polar opposites of the Twin Beaks.

And yet, it was exactly what I needed.

Their warmth, their support. The support of comrades who had each other’s backs no matter what they faced. The support of comrades who would never back down, not from the enemy, or from each other. The support of comrades who banished all hate and darkness from your mind with a single touch. The support, the kindness, the warmth that I didn’t deserve.

These two had tried so hard to help, to make me feel comfortable. But it wasn’t their comfort that I wanted. Try as they might, they had no ability, no hope of resurrecting whatever persona they thought they knew.

Those two had backed off in meek response to my silence, and waited patiently for something. But there was nothing to give.

“Hey, you two. I think it’s time you returned to camp. It’s been a while; they must be worried by now.”

Sarah looked up at me, surprised. “Huh? But, are you...”

“I’m fine. Go on ahead.”

Matthew leaned forward. “Hey, you sure, man? You don’t look fine.”

“I’m fine. Thanks for the little talk. Goodbye, you two.”

“B-But, Kazu-”

“Goodbye.”

And they left. Slowly, reluctantly. Matthew stood up, an uncertain look in his eyes, until

Sarah put a hand on his shoulder, shaking her head. Then they left.

With their absence, I finally had the space to think for myself. In the dead of night, ghastly faces and expressions stared at me from every direction. Agonizing cries, desperate screams, horrified gasping. And the faces. The nightmarish faces of the haunting souls of children too young, glaring at me from everywhere. Pleas that could not be answered, hands that could not be grasped. A nightmare come alive. Who was to blame?

That’s right... There can only be one answer. It’s obvious whole fault it was! It’s the same damn force that terrorizes and haunts people each and every day! That’s right... it’s those monsters. Those creatures. They’re to blame for everything. Everything. Everything... everything...

Everything was their fault. It was all a result of Shade. Of course that was the answer. They were responsible for what happened to my friends. It was all them. All of it. And they would pay dearly, horribly for what they’d done.

I had to kill each and every Shade. That was the only way to ato-to let my friends sleep peacefully. Until they had been wiped out entirely, those I cared about would never find peace.

Never...

“So why do I... do I feel so conflicted?”

Footsteps. Footsteps approaching from behind. I don’t really care.

They approach quickly, angrily. Whoever they belonged to was in some sort of hurry. I wonder who they belong to...

I didn’t have to wonder for long.

“KA-ZU-KI!” An enraged roar shattered through the barrier of trees, and a boy strided through the breach.

Damn it, what’s he of all people doing here?”

The boy halted his advance a good ten meters away, catching his breath. He looked annoyed about something.

Something about me.

“Kazuki! What the hell is going on? Two tsundere love-birds make it back to camp at long last and they’re practically in tears? You’d better start explaining, or we’re going to have to make that cliff edge a memorial stone.”

“The hell do you care, Francis? You don’t strike me as the ‘I care for my friends and their feelings’ type. Terrorists aren’t supposed to think that way about their targets, are they?”

“Heh. You’re absolutely right. To be honest, I don’t give two shits about their feelings. What I do care about is having my enemies being disorganized and unstable. Plans don’t work too well when they’re ripped and scattered. That causes problems, problems you are causing this very moment.”

He looked less annoyed now, and more amused as he continued.

“I tend to live life for the shits and giggles, things that your little tantrum is taking away. So why don’t you just stop avoiding my request, sit down on my lap, and tell me what’s wrong like a good little boy?”

This obnoxious child. Even in a situation like this, he continues to poke fun at everything, making jokes without a damn care.

“Francis.”

“Yees?”

“Cut the crap already, okay? Annoying doesn’t even begin to describe you right now. If you aren’t going to talk serious, then don’t expect me to talk back.”

His eyes widened sarcastically, and raised his stupid hands on the air by his head. “Hey, hey now. Just tryin’ to lighten things up a bit, no need to be so edgy...”

“Be quiet.”

“C’mon, what’s wrong with lightening the mood with some dark humor and kid jokes? I personally find them very enjoyable, like watching a football game being interrupted by a naked guy running through the field. It’s a bit boring as is, but a little inappropriate fun adds some spice to the situation. Right?”

“I already told you how I feel about it. Be serious or be gone.” I turned away from him, waiting for his exiting footsteps.

But they never came.

“Fine. If that’s the mood you want to go for, then so be it. I’ll adjust.” He took a deep breath, and took a step forward. I turned around to face him; he was deathly serious.

“Tell me now. Tell me what your problem is, or else I’ll be forced remove every last one of them. All. At. Once.”

“You really want to know that much?”

“I don’t do anything unless I want it badly.”

“Why do you want to know so bad?”

“The reason doesn’t matter. Besides, I already told you. Stop stalling.”

“Well, then—”

“And skip the sob story, we heard it all from Sarah and Matt. However much you told them, that is.”

Francis was getting on my last nerves. The way he spoke was beyond condescending, like a ruler telling his subject to hurry up and confess. He didn’t really care about helping me, he just wanted to wrap things up as quickly as possible to get back to fucking around.

“So what the hell do you want? If you don’t want to hear my story, then what do you want to hear?” I asked. I could feel my blood boiling.

“Isn’t it obvious? I want to hear why that’s bothering you, moron. Your story and your attitude don’t quite match up, and I want to know where that connection issue lies.”

“What?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, scratching the back of his head. As if bothered by an oblivious fool who couldn’t see something right in front of them. The blood continued to boil. My arms began to tremble.

He took another breath, and looked directly at me. “What I want to know is how having all your friends die in some fire correlates to your blind, angry rage towards anyone and anything. More specifically, towards Shade.”

“Blind...?!”

“Yeah, that’s right, BLIND! If you think that I’ll justify you hating Shade to that degree merely because of a house fire, then you are far more stupid then you’ve let on. So why the hell are you taking it out on them?”

Boiling. Boiling in my veins. Trembling. My entire body... it’s trembling.

“Th-that’s because it’s their fault! Yeah, it’s all their fault! Can’t you see how plain and simple this is?! Those damn creatures are to blame for everything! They’re the reason we’re tucked behind kingdoms! They’re the reason why there’s so much tragedy in Chorus! They’re the reason that I—”

“No they are not!” Francis took a challenging step forward, a fearsome glint in his eyes. “You’re saying that they’re to blame because they suck? Seriously? What kind of petty child are you? Wake the hell up; unless you somehow stumbled into a Dragiant’s den, a fire is NOT A SHADE’S FAULT. If whatever happened to your friends as a kid involved a burning house or whatnot, then it was the result of stupid humans, not crazed Shade! Do you see where I’m coming from, or is none of this sinking through that thick shell of yours?”

Everything is closing in. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Anger... confusion... Why is he arguing with me? Why can’t I breathe?

“It has to be them! It had to be the Shade! There’s no other possibility, can’t you see that? There was nobody there that could have done it, so it had to be them.”

“I—Hmph. Now I see. I finally get what the problem is. And it ain’t that monsters killed your friends with voodoo magic and witchcraft. The problem here is that I’m trying to convince a coward who couldn’t save anyone.” He locked eyes cruelly with me, and forced me to swallow every last word with sheer will. With every sentence he seemed to grow angrier and angrier. “You blame the monsters for your sob story because they do bad things as a habit. However, the logic gap here is far too grave. You say that nobody was there who could have been at fault? I say bullshit. You know who I am talking about, don’t you? Even you aren’t that stupid.”

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe?

The next words came fast, but I heard them with slow, deliberate pain.

“You were there.”

Francis stood there, letting it sink in. Down to the deepest depths of hell within my own heart. “It wasn’t the Shade’s fault that happened, it was yours. It was your fault that nobody was saved, it was your fault that you were the only one to live. You’ve been so defiant to accept it that you threw away logic and tossed the blame to a force you know had nothing to do with the accident. You’ve been so terrified to admit that you messed up that you didn’t care that it didn’t make sense, huh? Well, wake up call!” He rose higher and higher, a furious rage possessing his voice. “THE SHADE DIDN’T DO SHIT. Not this time. You know that. Despite that, you continue to push forward and refuse to accept the obvious solution, HIDING like a goddamn COWARD behind the easiest damn solution you can find! Listen, I hate the Shade too, enough to have a blast killing ’em in droves. But hating them and blaming them for your own mistakes are completely different! Stop being such a coward and take the difficult path for once in your goddamn life!”

His voice softened. “Listen, I’m not trying to tell you to hate yourself for what happened. I don’t even know what exactly happened back then, and I’d be lying to say I do. What I’m trying to say is that pointing your finger at a party that had no involvement does nothing but make things worse for yourself. The sooner you can accept your follies and faults, the sooner you can move forward, stronger and better. It was your fault, and that’s fine. If you can grow from it.”

He didn’t wait for a response. He turned around, and slowly walked away, hands tucked in his pockets.

But as he walked away, he muttered one last thing for me to hear. “Kill all Shade? What kind of childish, pathetic life goal is that? Sounds like the kind of thing an angry child would spout when they didn’t get what they wanted. Don’t be that child.”

He’s gone.

I’m alone.

My fault.

It was all...

... my fault.

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